You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
