Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
