My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize