def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
