I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
