matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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