Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
