I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
