i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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