My friends, they love my intelligence
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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