we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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