So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
