I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want a musical about memes.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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