And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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