I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
