I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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