he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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