I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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