o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
