i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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