I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
