but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
