omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
