bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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