they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
