So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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