My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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