no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
