Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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