Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
