I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
