thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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