Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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