Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
