i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
