Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
