let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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