I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
