The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
