yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
