It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
