I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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