I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
