New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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