Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
