i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
