Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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