You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
