Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
