Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
