no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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