i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
