Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
