Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
