My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize