the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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